choosing your path in life

So I am in the midst of deciding my future.

What do I want to study and where??

It’s so hard because like so many others

I feel pressured about

what everybody else is doing..

but why? it’s my life

and I should decide how it’s going to be.

So this is me accepting the person that I have become.

I’m staying where I am and I could not be more pleased.. 🙂

Ellie Goulding

I went to her concert in Colorado specifically Red rocks. Fucking amazing.

My first concert while being high and I fucking flew through the whole experience, it was incredible.

I love her personality, her spirit, voice and her songs!

If you ever get the oppurtunity.. GO AND SEE HER!

images

one of my favorite songs, hanging on:

You know we can get away
Because I’m calling your name
Every day I feel this pain
But you just turn and walk away

Noooo…

I just can’t keep hanging on, to you and me

I just don’t know what is wrong, with you and me

Touch me and then turn away
And put your hands into the flame
Tell me if you feel this pain
Cause I don’t want to be a ball and chain, nooo

I just can’t keep hanging on, to you and me

I just don’t know what is wrong

[Tinie Tempah]
Give me the respect, forgive me and forget
We’ve got to get a grip, living on the edge
I barely even know this f-ck-ng woman in my bed
And if there’s too much on my plate, then I ain’t finishing my veg
And if anybody said the grass is greener on the other side
Well it ain’t, swear on my mother’s life
You got me wrapped up in your shit
I’m feeling mummified
I’ve only ever had this fucking feeling in my stomach twice
You gave me what I needed, and I gave her everything she wanted
Miss something ’bout your cleavage
Now why can’t put my fingers on it
You’re taking me the deepest
I thought that she was gonna vomit
If all women are from venus, then I guess I really got a rocket
You’ve got a noose around my neck, but I’m still hanging on
We’ve nearly reached the finish line up in our marathon
I spat a verse, she sang a song
She broke my heart, I took some Gaviscon

I just can’t keep hanging on, with you, with me
With you, with…

Sideline

I’m so scared.

Scared to care, to feel and to love.

And I guess it’s because when I feel, care and love

I do it much stronger than the average person.

I feel everything from pain to love so strong

and I have let it become my weakness

instead of making it my greatest strength.

But I’m scared.

I’m scared to get rejected, to let myself feel and fall yet again.

But this is not a life.

to see everybody else living their life

while i’m just at the side.

In everything else I’m part of the game, life.

But when it comes to love I am just someone who is watching on the sideline.

..

I’m sitting here looking at the person sitting before me. That is not the person I’ve wanted to become. I want to be more. I don’t want to feel afraid or scared because of my weight. I have let it control my life far too long. But I can’t stop. It’s hard breaking out of your usual thinking. I’m afraid that I will never be good enough for anyone. My thoughts are everywhere and they are crazy. Do I really deserve to get better? Which is b***s***. 

 

everyday I have the chance to change my life. It is just a question whether I am brave enough to break free. because then I won’t have all these excesses as to why I don’t deserve to be happy. It’s crazy thinking and it’s wrong. 

 

Everybody is good enough and I’m the first person who needs to realize that. I can be brace I just need to prove to myself. Because I can do it and I can do everything I’m set out to do. 

 

I feel like I’m all alone. I’m living on my own. My sister is hundreds of miles away and I miss her. And the worse part is that nobody knows. How do you tell somebody that you don’t feel good? That everyday is a struggle but these thoughts appear when I’m alone. But all my friends have that one boyfriend: a person to confide in who finds you beautiful because of imperfections and loves them as well. 

 

It’s hard I feel alone and at time isolated. It’s crazy talk I know. But it’s not rational it’s feelings. 

I just don’t know who to confide in who to let in. 

 

I’m scared of letting people in. I don’t why. I’ve been hurt and left behind and apparently it was just too much for the person I am and the personality I have. I hope I can change everything and make it better. I have to believe that.