..

I’m sitting here looking at the person sitting before me. That is not the person I’ve wanted to become. I want to be more. I don’t want to feel afraid or scared because of my weight. I have let it control my life far too long. But I can’t stop. It’s hard breaking out of your usual thinking. I’m afraid that I will never be good enough for anyone. My thoughts are everywhere and they are crazy. Do I really deserve to get better? Which is b***s***. 

 

everyday I have the chance to change my life. It is just a question whether I am brave enough to break free. because then I won’t have all these excesses as to why I don’t deserve to be happy. It’s crazy thinking and it’s wrong. 

 

Everybody is good enough and I’m the first person who needs to realize that. I can be brace I just need to prove to myself. Because I can do it and I can do everything I’m set out to do. 

 

I feel like I’m all alone. I’m living on my own. My sister is hundreds of miles away and I miss her. And the worse part is that nobody knows. How do you tell somebody that you don’t feel good? That everyday is a struggle but these thoughts appear when I’m alone. But all my friends have that one boyfriend: a person to confide in who finds you beautiful because of imperfections and loves them as well. 

 

It’s hard I feel alone and at time isolated. It’s crazy talk I know. But it’s not rational it’s feelings. 

I just don’t know who to confide in who to let in. 

 

I’m scared of letting people in. I don’t why. I’ve been hurt and left behind and apparently it was just too much for the person I am and the personality I have. I hope I can change everything and make it better. I have to believe that. 

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Scared

I was a coward

afraid of my own feelings

that when I said goodbye

all I could do was to cry.

I didn’t even tell you how much you have changed for me

or how much your friendship has meant to me

and how I wish things would have been different.

But what done is done

and now I have to live with my choice.

Hopefully I will be strong again the next time or just tell you how I feel..

I make myself

I make myself pretty for you and not for me. Because I’m hoping you will notice – but it never happens anymore.

I make myself available to you because I hope you are available for me – but it never happens anymore.

I make myself seem strong when you are around because I hope you Won’t notice how I’m not strong – but it doesn’t happen anymore.

I make myself to be fake around my friends because I don’t want them to worry. But I feel fake and it’s not working.

I make myself think of other things because I can’t spend my days thinking about you. But that’s what I end up doing.

I make myself be a lot of things but it doesn’t work. So what do I do?

Open / Closed

You told me

it was okay.

That it would be okay to open up

and let you know my feelings.

I told you things

i’ve never shared before.

What will forever haunt me

was your reaction.

That’s not a big deal

don’t worry about it.

Yes I sugarcoated it.

Because I was afraid.

But I was right.

He judged me

because people

doesn’t know how it feels.

How it feels to have a sadness in them

they cannot escape.

Or maybe they do.

Nobody ever talks about this.

It’s a tabu

not worth talking about.
But for me

I need someone.

And I needed him to hold me

and say it will be alright.

It didn’t happen.

All I wanted to do was to scream at him

but I let it go.

because that’s what I do.

I don’t tell people how I feel

But next time I’ll be more wise

before I let anybody in.

The pain isn’t always worth it.

But it will be worth when I find that person

who will hug me and kiss

after I let him in.

I just have to wait for him

until then i’ll be closed

and one day i will be open again

no matter how long it will be

I will wait for that guy.

A03uehZ

The night is my release

All I want to do

is everything I’m not supposed to do.

I don’t want to talk to people

and pretend everything is okay.

All I want to do

is to listen to music

and relax.

But then the questions will come

why do you stay in your room?

And I’m not ready to answer those questions.

I’m not ready to admit to others

and to say it out loud

I can’t even write it.

It’s all in my head

like everything else.

I keep all of my thoughts and feelings private

because in the end people are only curious.

They don’t care.

So yes all I want to do I cannot do.

Because I’m not ready to answer the questions.

I’m tired of being fake

so my escape is the music.

When I listen to the lyrics and the songs

I can be free

I can be me

and I can think about all the things I’m not ready to say.

So what am I going to do today?

I’m going to be fake, interact and smile.

Because I’m not ready to answer.

So the music will wait until it’s dark

and it’s appropriate for me

to go into my room

and listen to the sad music

I’ve been wanting to listen to all day. Lucy-Hale-Gif-Wants-To-Lay-Down-Listen-To-Sad-Music-All-Day