Sideline

I’m so scared.

Scared to care, to feel and to love.

And I guess it’s because when I feel, care and love

I do it much stronger than the average person.

I feel everything from pain to love so strong

and I have let it become my weakness

instead of making it my greatest strength.

But I’m scared.

I’m scared to get rejected, to let myself feel and fall yet again.

But this is not a life.

to see everybody else living their life

while i’m just at the side.

In everything else I’m part of the game, life.

But when it comes to love I am just someone who is watching on the sideline.

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Love

Love…

Those feelings that messes us up… The feelings that makes us feel alive and the best but at the same time those feelings can make us feel shit and the worst ever.

Why does it have to be hard? Maybe so we can better appreciate it when it’s just right.

I love love. I love being in love. And i love having that special connection with someone.

But i also hate feeling so dependent on a guy. Not being able to think about something else. It’s horrible. But it’s part of life and we have to deal with it. Because in the end: it’s better to have loved and be loved than nothing at all. That’s what I tell myself in order to continue.

The mask I wear

I wear a mask

not because it’s my job

not because it’s a costume

but because I can’t be the me

I want to be.

I told you about this mask I wear

you dismissed it and said

don’t worry about it.

It’s nothing serious.

But how can it not be serious

when I see people being happy all the time

and for me I have to wear a mask

in order to do it.

Yeah that’s nothing serious.

Just as my mask was revealed

I put it back on

because you didn’t believe me.

You didn’t understand how it feels

when there’s a part of you that just wants to be miserable.

I want to be happy and free.

I don’t know how yet

but I will get there.

With or without my mask.

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