Sorry seems to be the hardest word

I’m mad. 

I’m frustrated. 

I’m confused. 

And I’m at a crossroad this point in my life

and I don’t know what to do from here.


I’m not home 

in familar settings 

or with friends or family. 

I’m in this unknown place 

where everybody is fake. 

Everybody talks behind each others back 

and nobody says how they really feel. 


Then there you are 

you are my confidant. 

You are the person I trust 

You are the person who sees everything 

when I’m down and when I’m truly happy. 

Others doesn’t notice 

because they don’t see it or doesn’t care. 


You’ve seen me cry 

You held me tight 

and told me everything would be okay

when I was at my worst. 

I’m getting better and better everyday 

like they say time heals everything. 


But I often get more mad

because I blame myself for not treating you better. 

I know in the moment I did something wrong

but I have flaws 

and I hate to admit when I’m wrong. 


You are my best friend

the person I confide to

whether it’s happy or sad news. 

I’ve told you stuff I have never told anybody 

and it felt good 

because all you did 

was just to listen, hug me 

and you told me everything would be okay. 


So this is me apologizing. 

Apologizing for my mistakes

and for the ones I will make

because I’m not perfect.

I’m stubborn and I have a temper

and I feel everything so strongly.

And I have a power to take it out on the people

who are closets to me.  


But know that you will always be my friend

the friend who was there in the good and the bad times 

for that I cannot express how much it means to me. 


Sorry is the hardest word for me to express in this world. 

I may say it daily but when it’s truthful and comes from within 

it’s the hardest thing for me to do. 

So this is my way of apologizing to you 

because you are an amazing friend 

and you should be treated like that everyday. 


The future

What do I Want to happen in my future:

Run Half a marathon (22 km)
Become fluent or better in spanish and german
Take french lessons
Move to another city
Take an internship in Europe
Perhaps study abroad again
Do Volunteer Work
Quit my current job and find one i love
Finish my bachelor
Travel to places I’ve never been
Being happy
Loose the weight i put on here in the States – back to a healthy body fat ( under 25 percent )and 65 kg.
Fall in love
Enjoy every moment
Experience more in my country
To be better at saying yes
To be more confident
To do what I Want to do
Appreciate the small things
Smile more
I have to learn not to let People Walk over me
Speaking my mind and not Holding back my feelings.
To complete my Master in DK or England
To put myself first
To touch the People i met and leave behind good memories
To spread love and joy in the People i meet

I make myself

I make myself pretty for you and not for me. Because I’m hoping you will notice – but it never happens anymore.

I make myself available to you because I hope you are available for me – but it never happens anymore.

I make myself seem strong when you are around because I hope you Won’t notice how I’m not strong – but it doesn’t happen anymore.

I make myself to be fake around my friends because I don’t want them to worry. But I feel fake and it’s not working.

I make myself think of other things because I can’t spend my days thinking about you. But that’s what I end up doing.

I make myself be a lot of things but it doesn’t work. So what do I do?

If you love hard, don’t apologize for your superpower

If I was superman 

my kryptonite would be love

because I love hard. 


I push people away

I try to not get affected

I try to not get attached 

but when I finally allow myself to love

I love hard. 


I don’t see it as a superpower. 

I know I should. 

Because the great feeling of love

I feel so much harder than others. 


It’s what breaks me 

but it’s also what keeps me going. 

I should be proud. 

I’m not afraid when I really love

I just jump. 


I’ve fallen the times I jumped

but the moments in the air 

made the whole jump worth everything. 

It was magical. 

It was something I’ll never forget. 


That’s what I’ll take away with me. 

I’ll remember the jump 

the excitement, the thrill and the adventure. 

And I’ll remember the beautiful moments 

because in the end

they make the risk worth it. 


So yes I won’t allow myself 

to be sorry for my superpower. 

I feel bad for the people who in the end 

aren’t willing to take the jump 

because the jump 

makes you feel alive. 

And because I love hard 

I feel ten times more alive. 


So yes I can be proud of my superpower. 

It’s amazing 

and in the end 

I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 


I feel it.

I feel it. 

I feel it more and more. 

I feel the power it’s getting. 

I need to get out. 

But I can’t. 

Nobody can help me 

besides myself. 


I feel it. 

I feel it consuming me. 

I feel it getting stronger. 

I don’t want it to be like this. 

But I’m too weak to let go

and to weak to forget. 


I love too much.

I think too much. 

I feel too much. 

It’s my weakness and my strength. 

I can’t let things go. 

It consumes me

It affects me. 

It troubles me. 


Where am I supposed to end up?

No direction 

no one to turn to 

no shoulders to cry on. 

People don’t understand 

people don’t care. 

It’s not their life

their problems. 


It’s mine alone. 

I need to fight on my own. 

Fight for a world with light

fight for happiness 

and i need above all

to fight for love and life


Open / Closed

You told me

it was okay.

That it would be okay to open up

and let you know my feelings.

I told you things

i’ve never shared before.

What will forever haunt me

was your reaction.

That’s not a big deal

don’t worry about it.

Yes I sugarcoated it.

Because I was afraid.

But I was right.

He judged me

because people

doesn’t know how it feels.

How it feels to have a sadness in them

they cannot escape.

Or maybe they do.

Nobody ever talks about this.

It’s a tabu

not worth talking about.
But for me

I need someone.

And I needed him to hold me

and say it will be alright.

It didn’t happen.

All I wanted to do was to scream at him

but I let it go.

because that’s what I do.

I don’t tell people how I feel

But next time I’ll be more wise

before I let anybody in.

The pain isn’t always worth it.

But it will be worth when I find that person

who will hug me and kiss

after I let him in.

I just have to wait for him

until then i’ll be closed

and one day i will be open again

no matter how long it will be

I will wait for that guy.


The night is my release

All I want to do

is everything I’m not supposed to do.

I don’t want to talk to people

and pretend everything is okay.

All I want to do

is to listen to music

and relax.

But then the questions will come

why do you stay in your room?

And I’m not ready to answer those questions.

I’m not ready to admit to others

and to say it out loud

I can’t even write it.

It’s all in my head

like everything else.

I keep all of my thoughts and feelings private

because in the end people are only curious.

They don’t care.

So yes all I want to do I cannot do.

Because I’m not ready to answer the questions.

I’m tired of being fake

so my escape is the music.

When I listen to the lyrics and the songs

I can be free

I can be me

and I can think about all the things I’m not ready to say.

So what am I going to do today?

I’m going to be fake, interact and smile.

Because I’m not ready to answer.

So the music will wait until it’s dark

and it’s appropriate for me

to go into my room

and listen to the sad music

I’ve been wanting to listen to all day. Lucy-Hale-Gif-Wants-To-Lay-Down-Listen-To-Sad-Music-All-Day