Sideline

I’m so scared.

Scared to care, to feel and to love.

And I guess it’s because when I feel, care and love

I do it much stronger than the average person.

I feel everything from pain to love so strong

and I have let it become my weakness

instead of making it my greatest strength.

But I’m scared.

I’m scared to get rejected, to let myself feel and fall yet again.

But this is not a life.

to see everybody else living their life

while i’m just at the side.

In everything else I’m part of the game, life.

But when it comes to love I am just someone who is watching on the sideline.

..

I’m sitting here looking at the person sitting before me. That is not the person I’ve wanted to become. I want to be more. I don’t want to feel afraid or scared because of my weight. I have let it control my life far too long. But I can’t stop. It’s hard breaking out of your usual thinking. I’m afraid that I will never be good enough for anyone. My thoughts are everywhere and they are crazy. Do I really deserve to get better? Which is b***s***. 

 

everyday I have the chance to change my life. It is just a question whether I am brave enough to break free. because then I won’t have all these excesses as to why I don’t deserve to be happy. It’s crazy thinking and it’s wrong. 

 

Everybody is good enough and I’m the first person who needs to realize that. I can be brace I just need to prove to myself. Because I can do it and I can do everything I’m set out to do. 

 

I feel like I’m all alone. I’m living on my own. My sister is hundreds of miles away and I miss her. And the worse part is that nobody knows. How do you tell somebody that you don’t feel good? That everyday is a struggle but these thoughts appear when I’m alone. But all my friends have that one boyfriend: a person to confide in who finds you beautiful because of imperfections and loves them as well. 

 

It’s hard I feel alone and at time isolated. It’s crazy talk I know. But it’s not rational it’s feelings. 

I just don’t know who to confide in who to let in. 

 

I’m scared of letting people in. I don’t why. I’ve been hurt and left behind and apparently it was just too much for the person I am and the personality I have. I hope I can change everything and make it better. I have to believe that. 

The truth of today

Last week, you looked into my eyes

and you told me that you loved me

you told me we should run away together

Tonight, you looked me into the eyes

and you told me that you’ve had enough

you told me that you were confused

Tomorrow, you will look into my eyes

and you will tell me that all you want a hug

and tell me that it’s complicated.

Last week, I told myself that I should commit 100 %

and just believe in the love

I was ready..

In one night, everything changed

I was no longer wanted or desired

which I was blindsided by

Today you came by and you called my name

and you said all I want is hug and to see you

everything is blurred and unclear

because of what you have told me

and what your actions show

Scared

I was a coward

afraid of my own feelings

that when I said goodbye

all I could do was to cry.

I didn’t even tell you how much you have changed for me

or how much your friendship has meant to me

and how I wish things would have been different.

But what done is done

and now I have to live with my choice.

Hopefully I will be strong again the next time or just tell you how I feel..

Open / Closed

You told me

it was okay.

That it would be okay to open up

and let you know my feelings.

I told you things

i’ve never shared before.

What will forever haunt me

was your reaction.

That’s not a big deal

don’t worry about it.

Yes I sugarcoated it.

Because I was afraid.

But I was right.

He judged me

because people

doesn’t know how it feels.

How it feels to have a sadness in them

they cannot escape.

Or maybe they do.

Nobody ever talks about this.

It’s a tabu

not worth talking about.
But for me

I need someone.

And I needed him to hold me

and say it will be alright.

It didn’t happen.

All I wanted to do was to scream at him

but I let it go.

because that’s what I do.

I don’t tell people how I feel

But next time I’ll be more wise

before I let anybody in.

The pain isn’t always worth it.

But it will be worth when I find that person

who will hug me and kiss

after I let him in.

I just have to wait for him

until then i’ll be closed

and one day i will be open again

no matter how long it will be

I will wait for that guy.

A03uehZ