Scared

I was a coward

afraid of my own feelings

that when I said goodbye

all I could do was to cry.

I didn’t even tell you how much you have changed for me

or how much your friendship has meant to me

and how I wish things would have been different.

But what done is done

and now I have to live with my choice.

Hopefully I will be strong again the next time or just tell you how I feel..

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I choose myself.

I don’t love myself.

I don’t take care of myself.

I don’t take decision based on myself.

I look at my decisions

my choices

my dreams

my hopes.

Everyone else is high on my list

but in the end I forget myself.

I should be the top priority

but it’s not like that.

I should take better care of myself.

However, it’s hard

it’s a new concept

new idea

that I’m not used to.

One day though.

One day I’ll be able to leave behind

bad decision,

wrong men,

poor judgement,

low self-esteem,

and fake friends.

That day it will change everything.

It will change everything and nothing.

However, I look forward to the day when I can say out loud:

“I choose to make myself to be happy today.

I choose me!” 

 

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

I’m mad. 

I’m frustrated. 

I’m confused. 

And I’m at a crossroad this point in my life

and I don’t know what to do from here.

 

I’m not home 

in familar settings 

or with friends or family. 

I’m in this unknown place 

where everybody is fake. 

Everybody talks behind each others back 

and nobody says how they really feel. 

 

Then there you are 

you are my confidant. 

You are the person I trust 

You are the person who sees everything 

when I’m down and when I’m truly happy. 

Others doesn’t notice 

because they don’t see it or doesn’t care. 

 

You’ve seen me cry 

You held me tight 

and told me everything would be okay

when I was at my worst. 

I’m getting better and better everyday 

like they say time heals everything. 

 

But I often get more mad

because I blame myself for not treating you better. 

I know in the moment I did something wrong

but I have flaws 

and I hate to admit when I’m wrong. 

 

You are my best friend

the person I confide to

whether it’s happy or sad news. 

I’ve told you stuff I have never told anybody 

and it felt good 

because all you did 

was just to listen, hug me 

and you told me everything would be okay. 

 

So this is me apologizing. 

Apologizing for my mistakes

and for the ones I will make

because I’m not perfect.

I’m stubborn and I have a temper

and I feel everything so strongly.

And I have a power to take it out on the people

who are closets to me.  

 

But know that you will always be my friend

the friend who was there in the good and the bad times 

for that I cannot express how much it means to me. 

 

Sorry is the hardest word for me to express in this world. 

I may say it daily but when it’s truthful and comes from within 

it’s the hardest thing for me to do. 

So this is my way of apologizing to you 

because you are an amazing friend 

and you should be treated like that everyday. 

Video

Christina Perri – Human

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay away for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I’ll get through it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I’m only human
I’m only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
‘Til I’ve had enough

‘Cause I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I love the vulnerability Christina shows in the video because in the end she’s just a human.
It reminds me of the guy I was seeing. I was willing to do so much but in the end he gave me nothing. And I reached a point where I had to see that it had been to much. But of course it was to late for myself.

I do not own this video or the lyrics. All rights are Christina Perri’s.

The mask I wear

I wear a mask

not because it’s my job

not because it’s a costume

but because I can’t be the me

I want to be.

I told you about this mask I wear

you dismissed it and said

don’t worry about it.

It’s nothing serious.

But how can it not be serious

when I see people being happy all the time

and for me I have to wear a mask

in order to do it.

Yeah that’s nothing serious.

Just as my mask was revealed

I put it back on

because you didn’t believe me.

You didn’t understand how it feels

when there’s a part of you that just wants to be miserable.

I want to be happy and free.

I don’t know how yet

but I will get there.

With or without my mask.

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